Struggling to Breathe

Depression is awful, that’s something that everybody knows. However, if you’re the one that is depressed you hate to admit it, you refuse to believe it, and you think you’re just being weak.  You’re not being weak, it’s hard. It is extremely hard to get up and remember to breathe.

Senior year was the year I broke down. I don’t know what it was…maybe the fact that it was my last year of high school and my parents still babied me, I took more advanced classes than I could handle, my relationship was not great but also not terrible, deadlines were piling up and hitting me in the face, my life was a roller coaster that was going to fast and I couldn’t handle it. It was awful! I cried everyday and every night. I thought I was being weak, I wanted to talk to someone and I probably should have, but I was embarrassed, and ashamed because I thought…..I thought I was weak.

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I beat myself up when I felt like a disappointment or failure. I literally curled my hand into a fist and took a blow at myself thinking I deserved it for not trying harder or acting like I should or not giving it my very best. Truth is, I did give it my best at everything, I gave it my best at a time when I was broken.

NOBODY knew what I was going through. I showed up to school with a smile on my face because I saw my friends in the morning – (Did they care that I was there though? I want to tell them what I’m feeling but what if they don’t understand. Actually they won’t understand. I wish I had someone.). I showed up to class ready to learn – (Shit! we have a quiz? Damn it, I forgot to study! When did she announce that? oh well, I need to focus and study! ugh fuck! I lost that paper! How the hell did I lose that paper! Are you serious?! You know what I don’t care anymore). I came home and relaxed – (I’m lonely, I have nothing to do. I don’t feel like doing anything. Ugh I have to feed my sister and take care of her).

It was the same thing over, and over! Even though I had friends and could hangout with them; I felt like I had no one. Absolutely no one! I felt Like I couldn’t do anything. I was truly broken and struggling to breathe. I NEVER thought that I would feel so low, I never imagined myself staring at the mirror and not like what I saw. I would literally look at myself in the mirror with tears rushing down my face and ask, “What happened to you? What happened? When did you become so weak? I can’t do this anymore! You can’t do anything! I’m done. I’m tired. I’m so tired.” I was exhausted from feeling depressed. I understood why people would cut themselves or try to take away their lives. I tried to take my own life. I tried twice to be exact. I honestly did not care about anything, I had no feelings, I just wanted to sleep and not wake up. What happened?

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I started taking one day at a time. It was dreadful yes, but I took one day at a time until senior year was over. By the time summer came I was so relived! It felt so good to stay home and do nothing, worry about nothing. I think what really helped me was the fact that I was on vacation now and spending time with my family. I had family from Cali come visit in June and had a blast with them! I truly tried to take advantage of the summer and spending time with family was a breathe of fresh air, because I knew I was surrounded by people, who no matter what went wrong in life, they would be there and care for me.

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